I have to say that it was a very stressful format. There were probably 20 instructors who were auditioning for the position. We each would have approximately 5 minutes to teach one or two poses, while we were judged by a panel of group exercise coordinators of CAC. And if we were not teaching, then we were asked to participate as a student to practice the moves. How can you truly practice when every 5 minutes or so, a new teacher would take over and present a very different energy and style? And on top of that, everybody was probably feeling anxious and nervous waiting for their names to be called to lead the class, so all that heated energy was mixed in one room. That is very vata provoking. For every pose that I was in, I felt more energy in my head than the rest of my body. This probably explains why I could not stay in some of the stronger poses like I normally would be able to do. Mainly because I wasn't really focused on my breath, my mind was distracting. It was seriously a battle to find stillness somewhere in the mess of doubt, nervousness and, admittedly being the pitta person I am, the desire to compete.
The entire time I had to remind myself that everyone has a unique style of teaching and I should not even begin to compare myself to anyone else. I realized it was opportunity for me to get a glimpse of everyone's style and gain more ideas to guide a class. No one person is better than the other, and CAC is simply trying to find instructors who can fit their culture. It was an opportunity for me to figure out if CAC is a fit for me.
One thing that I noticed as everyone took their turns to teach was most of the instructors focused more on the physical/structural aspects of the poses. Every movement and breath was very defined, and as a student, I didn't have much opportunity to explore or tune into my body. It made me wonder if this was what fitness centers look for in a yoga class. And if that is the case, it made me wonder if teaching in such a style is what I really want. When I teach, I find that I love to pull in analogies and symbols. Through the alignment of the body, I love to just be able to connect with a pose like poetry and be able to contemplate. I think my education at PYAM has a lot to do with it.
I taught parighasana as my one pose yesterday, and I found that it was very hard to just simply focus on the physical alignment of the pose. It's such a juicy asana! For instance, parighasana is also known as the gate pose, which is great for respiratory problems and here's just a blurb on how it's so beautiful: as a gate, we are strong enough to withstand any obstacles that come our way in life. It's the ability to stay focused and grounded. This foundation is experienced through the lengthening and grounding of the legs. At the same time, our hearts are open not only through the front, but also to our left and right, as if to embrace/welcome both the ups and downs of life. This can be experienced through the lengthening of our intercostal muscles by integrating the breath. And once in the pose, there's just so much room to be able to explore the flow of prana.
So I guess in teaching such a style it may not be for everyone, especially clients who are more focused on the fitness aspect. It makes me wonder now if people may find my teaching style overbearing or verbose. And at the same time, how do I learn to adapt to different population of students?
At this point, though it would be wonderful to have the chance to teach at CAC, it's not going to define me. I am just grateful for yesterday's audition because it was a chance for me to learn more about myself. I've been continuing my teacher training at PYAM in the methodology program, and I swear just about every training I go to, I think to myself, "Why in the world am I doing this? What's the use to continue learning? I'm not quite sure this will make a difference in how I teach my classes. How does this help me personally?" And yesterday, I got a glimpse of why I should continue studying.
What else, what else...I guess that's all I have to blog about for now. My brain feels like cotton candy because I'm mildly sleepy and super relaxed. I'll blame Albinoni's Adagio. A nap sounds good right now.
- Current Mood: relaxed
At one point when we were out strolling around last night, Dad tried to casually slip in the conversation of "Maybe you should move home because see what you're missing? When do you think you'll move here?" He's right. I do know what I'm missing, and I felt bad because I told him it wasn't the right time to talk about it. We quickly brush the topic aside. It's a hindering subject, and something I've been looming over for awhile. When is there ever a good time for me to talk about it? I love my Dad so much, and somehow telling him that being in Dallas is just not where I want to be at this point of my life is not enough for him. At the same time, he's growing so old now and as the eldest daughter I feel responsible moving home to be with him and my mom. I can accomplish the same things in Dallas as much as being in Denver. So what's keeping me? The mountains, yoga training, education in CO, my lifestyle, etc.--- All of it. It doesn't mean that I love my parents less, but I'm just not ready for the transition just yet. I feel selfish.
Ah...love. Regardless if it's family, friends, or lovers, sometimes it's just not easy, isn't it?
Anyway, turns out I did write a little more than I thought I would. I guess it's a good thing to get things off my mind. Spending time with my family does make me realize how much I miss them. Then again I think me being this sappy around this time of year is inevitable.
Well I'm grabbing a piece of pecan pie and calling it a night by reading. I've been reading Wild Swans by Jung Chang, and it's such a wonderful novel! It's amazing how the role of Chinese women can change drastically in three generations. Chang's family history makes me wonder about my ancestors during the 20th century. There's definitely a lack of knowledge in knowing my family history. My maternal great grandparents owned a silk factory in China, my paternal great grandfather had two wives in Vietnam...and that's my extent of knowledge. I should dig into it more. Also I've never even been to China, but I'm drawn to it's history so I'm actually learning quite a bit about China reading this book. I'll have to look into Chang's Mao: The Unknown Story after I finish this book.
Anyway seriously where does the time go? Is it true that as you get older, time is only going to move faster? Or maybe it's because I'm always looking ahead rather than be present at the moment, that time seems to move fast. I don't give myself the opportunity to enjoy.
Luckily practicing yoga and teaching yoga trains me to balance this mindset. When I teach I just feel a natural balance and I am present for my students. Meditation and yoga is really the only period when I feel like myself and I feel that I'm for once with time again. The feeling is similar to being physically close to my family. It's my sanctuary.
I think that's my word of the night: SANCTUARY.
I have to say these past few weeks heading in towards finals have been a huge struggle and I haven't been stressed like this in a long time. I supposed that's a good thing though because as tough as these last few weeks were, I also realized how I am truly dedicated to be back in school and finally head somewhere with it. I think in many ways I'm very fortunate because I'm doing the things I want to do, whereas I'm sure there are many people who go through life wondering if it could be any different. I think my mom is a good example of that. As I was growing up, my mom would tell me how she regrets having a family in the States. She's a talented artist, and she was studying commercial art in Taiwan and it was her calling until she decided to move to the States to marry my dad. Not that my mom's life is truly devastating because she had some pretty awesome kids and my dad turned out to be a pretty good husband, but I have always known my mom's questioned herself. And it really comes down to this: She never truly owned her experiences. She only did things that she thought would be good for her family, and I think that's always the way my mom's lived her life. She's never lived for herself. I think because that's what makes her such a wonderful woman too because all she thinks about is giving for her family. I love her, but I never want to be like her in the sense that I don't want to just settle and always wonder if I could have done better.
Well this first semester back in school has definitely been a good experience. I have some things in mind that I will try to do differently next semester. I definitely don't think I have to be as stressed out as I was for my finals. My big thing is time management. I'm the world's worse person at gauging time but I'm also the ultimate Yes Woman, which is a huge problem. I have priorities straight, but saying no seems to be a problem for me. Then when it comes time to follow through, and I can't physically handle my schedule, I become the Flaker. Yes, I'm great at losing friends that way. And yet, I'm very fortunate that most of them are forgiving people.
Speaking of friends, this semester has also made me realize that I have some pretty awesome good friends. I'm just very fortunate they're all such good, caring people.
Anyway, enough of writing. I really should clean my apartment up before I take off tomorrow.
Cute things that put a smile on my face:
The Brazilian sent me a really cute little post of George Carlin's view on aging that I guess I'll share on here:
George Carlin's Views on Aging
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids?
If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.
'How old are you?' 'I'm four and a half!' You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half,
going on five! That's the key.
You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back.
You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
'How old are you?' 'I'm gonna be 16!' You could be 13,
but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life! You
become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony. YOU BECOME 21.
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there?
Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out.
There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40.
Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you
REACH 50, and your dreams are gone...
But! wait!! ! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!
So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50, and make it to 60.
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that, it's a day-by-day thing;
you HIT Wednesday!
You get into your 80's, and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch;
you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s,
you start going backwards; 'I was JUST 92.'
Then a strange thing happens If you make it over 100,
you become a little kid again. 'I'm 100 and a half!'
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!
Next really cute things: My kids.
And is it okay to wish that I had a kid as cute this next one?
And I love the lyrics to this song, "It'll Be Alright" by Andrea Hamilton. Kinda matches the subject of my entry :)
English is a barrier for my relatives. My grandma doesn't read, my uncle half-heartedly tries to read the letter and interpret to her, and at the end everyone assumes that it was due to one of my speeding tickets. (I don't have the most luck with speeding cameras in Denver and tickets are often sent to my grandma's house.) My uncle didn't really try to explain the content of the letter to me, so I wrack my brain to remember if I missed paying one off and thinking about how in the world that can result to going to court. Then I started thinking about my motorcycle accident this summer, and started wondering if I'd forgotten to take care of anything there. I questioned how possibly disorganized my life is if I don't even remember getting pulled over in the last two months. Then I'm thinking why am I so irresponsible? So with all those thoughts racing through my mind within a matter of seconds, it basically summarized one message to me this morning: You suck.
I'm generally a patient person, but with lack of sleep, painful nightly cramps, and stress of studying for finals, I could definitely feel the pitta provoked this morning. Finally my uncle gives me a number. I call the number and find out that the notice is actually for my other uncle. He had missed jury duty. Suddenly my heart rate drops back to normal, and I'm quickly happy and relieved it's not me. It sucks for my uncle though, and it's something I'm responsible to help him clear up on Monday. What happens when you miss jury duty anyway? I guess it's something to google.
Now that this little debacle is over with, I'm going to go walk my dogs, head to the gym, and study for the rest of the day. I have an essay to write as well, which is fine. I'm just a terribly slow writer when it comes to academic papers, even if the topic is really interesting to me.
My goal is to get as much done today so I can make it for part of my yoga teacher training tomorrow. The focus is chair yoga, which is definitely something I want to learn more about because I work with a population of men who have very limited mobility. So something to look forward to.
His name was Henry Molaison, but many know him just by his intials, H.M. Molaison has long been a subject of study by neuroscientists because he had anterograde amnesia due to a surgical procedure when he was 27 years old, to remove a portion of his brain. Docs believed that it would help stop epileptic seizures. Molaison passed away at the age of 82 yesterday, and currently scientists are dissecting his brain to observe the structure and understand what was causing his amnesia.
I can't even begin to imagine what it would be like to suffer from amnesia. Can anybody!?! "Memento" was a movie that actually portrays this condition, but of course much more dramatically. I can not sit through that film calmly at all because it makes me think too much. Anyway this is really cool project and definitely worth checking out!
Anyway, more to come later. I want to rant about how much I despise writing...which is exactly why I am writing on lj again...hmm. I make a ton of sense. Lemme clarify...I despise writing papers for school...with a passion.
Attached please find my resume which I am submitting for the chiropractic assitant position I found posted on the Craigslist.org job site.
I am well versed in all aspects of office assisting in a multitask environment, including front desk reception, heavy phone lines, word processing and internet research. I have experience in formatting and revising documents as well as maintaining paper and electronic files. I take pride in making sure tasks get handled in a timely and efficient manner. I believe my skills in office protocol, computer systems and office administration would be an asset to your team. In addition, I am an intelligent, stable individual who works well with minimal or no supervision. I have excellent front office skills, a compassion for people, and an utmost caring attitude. I am reliable, diligent, and conscientious. I am very good at paying close attention to detail and providing error proof work.
I feel that your company would be a great place to learn new things, and to apply the skills that I already have. I am a fast learner, have an upbeat attitude, and I am always eager to take on a challenge. I would love to become part of your team.
I’m sure you are inundated with resumes and requests for interviews, but I hope you will take the time to talk to me in person so I can further demonstrate my desire and willingness to fill this position for you.
Just 2 weeks ago, a ton of emails in versions of this message filled my inbox after my boss posted for a new CA/Office manager at the clinic. And today, I am training the newly hired office manager who will soon take over my position. Yes, inevitably less than a year I am yet again moving onto my next new chapter of life in search for a career. This time it wasn't really planned well, and everything happened with a snap. It started off with just a thought: I have a career goal in mind, and I'm sick of feeling like I'm getting no where. Jack of all trades, but not great in any trade--- that's horrible! It took a conversation with my brother to really trigger some action. Next thing I know, my position is ending on the 31st of this month and I'm enrolled at UCD fulltime, for good. I'm en route to hike up my undergrad GPA, take my GRE, and next stop is grad school/post bac, MCAT... And then....dunh dunh dunh....DO school. At 26...I'm tired of putzing around, and it's just time to get my butt into shape because I'm freaked out with the fact if no action is taken now, 10 years from now...I could still be in the same position--- or worse...married and a fulltime soccer mom. Nothing wrong with that, of course...it's just not what I want in life for awhile. I'd rather be 10 years in and at the start of my career. I would at least own my experience, and no one could ever take that away from me. Anyway, I'm ready to start school again. It's about time I took it seriously.
I was born at 1:47PM.
Then I was looking at my birth certificate, I looked at my parents information: D.T. 36 years old. M.T. 23 years old. So many years have passed and I honestly forget that my parents were once that young. My mom is so much older now, but for some reason, I've always seen her as being immortal. My dad's age hit me the most. He's 61 now. My memory flashed an image of my dad running around with us on the beach when my brother and I were really young. I was probably 8 and my brother only 3. God how time has passed.
Hah, and of course as I write ths post, Gary Jule's "Mad World" song randomly plays on my I-tune. That really sets a melancholic mood here. I'm not that dramatic though. I just miss my parents.